


isn't it lovely? (all alone)

by pcyro



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Byun Baekhyun-centric, Depression, Diary/Journal, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Molestation, No Plot/Plotless, One-Sided Relationship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 01:31:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17416418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcyro/pseuds/pcyro
Summary: Baekhyun writes, knowing the only one who listens is himself.Baekhyun writes until his wrists ache, knowing one day he'll lose the energy.





	isn't it lovely? (all alone)

**Author's Note:**

> vvv heavy tw !!!! 
> 
> this fic contains descriptions of eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts/actions. 
> 
> please, if you deal with any of those: don't read this. just please don't read it. 
> 
> triggering yourself isn't worth it, okay? please try to recover, I believe in you. 
> 
> -
> 
>  
> 
> this is based on my own personal experiences of having an eating disorder/depression/ptsd, and shouldn't be seen as like, the only way those mental illnesses are experienced. everyone's experience is different, and i hope one day we can all recover.

1/13/19 | 4 AM

** where's my mind? **

it was kyungsoo's birthday today (or yesterday, technically), and i feel really bad for not enjoying myself like i should've. like, it's my best friend's birthday and i spend majority of it sitting on the bathroom floor? what the fuck sort of friend am i? i'm supposed to be stuck to him, rubbing frosting on his cheeks and singing happy birthday obnoxiously loud, but i really fucking sat on his bathroom floor and scratched my arm raw. 

i ate cake. i ate cake because i wanted to be fucking normal for him, but i ended up tripping out and raking my nails along my forearm like that's somehow better than purging. 

i'm such a fuck up aren't i? 

i try so hard to please, but it always winds up going wrong. 

i saw his face crumble when i walked out of the bathroom. i saw as it sunk it why i'd been gone for an usually long time, longer than it should take to just freshen up. 

we stared at each other for what seemed like hours. i silently hoped my face gave the panicked message _please don't tell chanyeol._

because that'd open a whole other can of worms - full of slimy pity that i really didn't want.

i guess it did, because he gave me a sad smile - one that make me wanna punch myself just thinking about it - and turned to glare at jongin, who used a party popper and got confetti in his hair. 

i'd really miss kyungsoo when i die. 

but i don't wanna think about that. makes my stomach twist. 

you know, i think chanyeol noticed something was up anyway. he blew up my phone once i left, although i haven't opened them since they came in a few hours ago.

i'm such a bad boyfriend, aren't i? not caring enough to put in the effort i should, but caring too much to let him go. i'm so horrible. 

maybe i should put that on the list. 

in other news, i binged when i got home. that piece of cake put me over my limit, and i decided fuck it. (i didn't have a good time, pretty sure the smell of vomit didn't really come off.)

oh, i had a nightmare !!! fucking love that for me. 

i was sitting next to a boy on the couch, watching a movie with my other friends crowded around the tv. he turned his head and looked at me, and suddenly he had me caged in his arms, pinning me in place. 

he started to touch me, worming his hands between his thighs, and i started screaming, thrashing, pleading with my friends to stop him. 

but they didn't. 

i remember meeting eyes with sehun, and he was frozen, expressionless. i screamed so fucking loud. i begged him to help me. 

but i don't think he did.

i woke up - dazed, shaken. 

i don't think anyone's ever going to help me.

 

4:36 AM

 

 

** **


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